Saturday, August 20, 2005

It's very important for me to always remember how I feel during a situation. What drove me to do what I did. What made me take a certain action. When I'm not feeling right, when I'm not in my usual state (and I'm not talking drugs here), when I'm down on myself and down on my life, I need to be able to look back and remember how I felt when it was happeining. That way it will be easier to live with my decisions. Because I haven't lost touch with myself.

When I had sex with J. with no condom, I had thought about it before I did it. It wasn't just something I did to be stupid. I wasn't in my right mind, I wasn't thinking clearly. My rationale was, that I loved this man, and if he gave me a disease, well... at least we'd have it together. And that made it OK. And here I am now... I don't love him, and I look back and that was really stupid... but I have to remember, I cannot forget how it FELT to be that desperate to be loved by someone that I had such strong feelings for, that my thinking was blurred. I can't forget that. So the next time I find myself in that type of situation, I will be able to look back and remember the way I felt before, and then know how I felt when my head cleared. And I won't make the same mistake.

I was so overwhelmed... having finally admiting to myself that I don't LOVE Fisting Lessons and I don't have passion for it. And at the same time... here I am... a photo major. It doesn't make sense for me to be here, and while I was trying to make sense of everything, I met this man, who was really nice to me at first. And well, we know how it goes from Her First Big Cock there. But it doesn't have to happen again. It's OK.